Stuff Normal People Like

stuff OTHER white people like.

Cats. Or dogs.

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Normal people have partisan feelings about cats and dogs. These feelings are so widespread that normal people no longer realize that this is absurd, and have even created the classifications of “Cat People” and “Dog People.” Normal people are quick to identify with one of these arbitrary categories, much like they do with their parents’ religion and political opinions. 

A family may have up to three or four of either species in their home before they are no longer considered normal. Some particularly progressive or moderate normal people may own both types of pets. Upon meeting a normal person, there are a few different methods by which you can determine which category they fall under. If the normal person is female, her silver charm bracelet should contain at least one charm featuring her choice animal. In the case that you are speaking to a normal male or the rare normal-female-sans-charm-bracelet, simply bringing up the topic of household pets should be enough impetus for the normal person to volunteer this information.

Normal people generally name their pets after tv characters, athletes, or baked goods. Normal people would also like you to know that their cat or dog is not only of the best species and breed in the world, but the best individual cat or dog to have ever existed.


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November 5, 2008 at 6:56 pm

Smoking While Drinking

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You’d be hard-pressed to find a normal person smoking a cigarette in an everyday setting.  Driving to and from work, you’re far more likely to see them bobbing their head, mumbling half the words to a Dave Matthews song.  In fact, normal people are more likely to criticize smoking on some arbitrary basis like “health” or “morality.”  But give them a shot, and it’s straight to a night of bumming cigarettes and a morning of sore throats.

Analyzing the spatial layout of a kegger, you’d find the normal people smoking on the fifth concentric layer.  The cherries of their cigarettes are easy to spot for their unique shape, as a normal person has little to no idea what the proper technique for ashing a cigarette is.  They usually end up with an uneven burn or an asymmetrical cone.  With enough alcohol, they may even smoke a cigarette backwards.

And though it may seem contradictory, normal people do have a preference of cigarette in Marlboros.  This phenomenon is due to subliminal branding from their childhood, which was likely filled with normal parents who normally smoked during a normal period of time when it was completely normal.  Studies show that social smokers tend to live longer than loners, and normal people enjoy both living and friends.

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October 22, 2008 at 11:07 pm

Posted in Normal Concepts

Alma Mater Nationalism

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If there is one way in which normal people all over manage to be the same differently, it is through Alma Mater nationalism. The formative years for this love typically occur between the ages of 18 and 22, give or take, in which nascent Alma Mater nationalists practice the fledgling sport of University nationalism.

“Real” nationalism describes the phenomenon of a large number of people, most of whom will never meet or even hear of each other, who imagine that they comprise some sort of community with each other. Scholars of nationalism ask, among other profundities, what it is that makes people willing to fight and die for the flag.

Most university/alma mater nationalists would never sacrifice their life for school spirit while sober, but that is probably the only thing they wouldn’t do to glorify their college. Like regular nationalism, normal student nationalists feel an almost tangible connection to other students, especially the other, equally nationalist ones. Sitting down or not wearing your school colors at the football game is a big no-no.

On the more day to day side of things, your normal university nationalist will, in addition to driving to away games, almost certainly list the school football or basketball team as one of their “Interests” on Facebook, and will definitely sport a school flag pinned to the wall of their dorm or frat house room.

Normal people love to belong, and for many, 18 to 22 was the greatest extended period of belonging (or of having a sense of belonging) ever experienced. It is no surprise that normal people carry this love with them throughout life, on the backs of their cars, tops of their heads, and in their hearts.

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October 22, 2008 at 1:55 am

Posted in Normal Beliefs

Casual Chain Dining

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Normal people love casual chain restaurants.

If you happen to be with a group of normal people at 6:30 pm, chances are one will suggest dinner at one of the following places depending on varying conditions:

a. Chili’s, if there’s currently a NBA/NFL sporting event on primetime television.

b. Applebee’s, if the median age of the group is over 50 and/or one of the women happens to be on Weight Watchers (in which she can conveniently order from Applebee’s “Weight Watcher Menu”).

c. Olive Garden, if the group is feeling fancy.

Normal people love said casual chains because they’re reliable: regardless of the location, they can count on their Awesome Blossom being just as awesome as last time. They know that their Applebee’s Cajun Lime Tilapia has 310 calories and 6 WW points (not including the side of black bean and corn salsa). They know that when they finish their bowl of Olive Garden salad, a waiter will promply refill it (normal people are economically savvy in loving the concept of “unlimited” dining). Regardless of the occassion, normal people can find a casual chain to meet their needs–usually within a 5-mile radius.

Ultimately, casual chain restaurants are comforting to normal people. They’re a pat on the back after a hard day at the office–the reasurrance that despite the chaos and tribulations of existence, some things always stay the same.

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October 17, 2008 at 4:36 am

Posted in Normal Food

Christmas Time

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No matter what time of year it is, normal people wish it were Christmas time. It is not uncommon to hear a normal person say that he/she “can’t wait for Christmas time” during any non-December month.

Christmas time should not be confused with the actual season of winter or the holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus. Christmas time begins as soon as Target starts selling holiday decorations and is not about religion so much as it is about hot chocolate with candy canes and Charlie Brown specials on television. Normal people are elated by the sight of twinkle lights on houses and trees, until January 2 when this becomes tacky and repulsive. They also adore snow, but only in postcards and movies, because in real life it is slippery and demands shoveling. Christmas time is comforting to normal people because it reminds them of their childhoods “when everything was so simple,” and vacation, because they hate their work/ school.

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October 15, 2008 at 6:06 am

Posted in Normal Concepts

Old Navy Flip-Flops.

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Normal people love Old Navy.

However, even more than the typical normal boy or girl likes Old Navy as a whole (Old Navy “classic” denim, anyone? 4th of July ringer tees 1999-present?), they always love Old Navy flip-flops.

Old Navy flip-flops match everything, and are so inexpensive that they can be purchased in a rainbow of colors. Plus, as a staple in a normal person’s wardrobe, they can be dressed up or down depending on the occasion and/or the proper accessories to match.

Fall, winter, summer, or spring–O.N.F.F’s are always appropriate and are always in style.

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October 15, 2008 at 4:43 am

Posted in Normal Fashion